smiling past the sadness

as most of you know from my last post, my life has been turned upside down lately. last week one of our guests committed suicide and when we found her, it brought back painful memories that i've struggled for years to overcome.  today's post is an update on how satan tried his best to destroy me....but his best wasn't better than God. the first part is from last night, the last part is from the miracle of today.

yesterday -  smiling past the sadness

it's not easy to smile when i'm sad but i do it anyway. it's not easy to say i'm ok when i'm not but i do it anyway. and it's not easy to pretend everything is fine...when it's not...

but i do it anyway.

because people need me. people need me to be happy. people need me to be strong. people need me to encourage and lift up and offer hope.

people need me to make decisions, and give advice, and meet deadlines.

people need me to do what i've always done and i know that.

they tell me that.

they want that. they expect it. and truth be known, i expect it too.

i expect to just wake up in a good mood and thank God for the day.

i expect to smile, and sing and be full of joy.

i expect to want to take a shower. to want to change my clothes. to want to do SOMETHING.

but really all i want to do is be in a dark room by myself.

all i want to do is hide.

i don't want to answer questions. i don't want to talk. i don't want to think about what i saw.

i just want to rest. i just want to close my eyes and pretend it didn't happen. i just want to close my eyes and not be afraid to dream.

i just want to stop feeling sorry for myself and get on with my life.

i know there's some kind of time frame to grieve. some kind of politically correct amount of time that says it's ok to cry and be shocked after a traumatic event. and at barely a week out i think i'm still in it.

at least i hope i'm still in it. i hope what i'm going through is normal.

but i'm tired of being in it. i'm just so very tired of being sad.

and i pray to God...oh God i pray that i'm not in it forever.

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and that's exactly how i felt when i woke up again today. sad. overwhelmed. unbelievably tired. and with a darkness hanging over me again.  i went through the motions but that was it. i saw no light and i definitely couldn't see my way out. but i kept praying. and i kept asking God to show me how He could use this. how He could use me. and if He even thought my life was worth being used for Him at all.

today - when God finds you in the darkness

i've been in a pit lately. i'm not really sure how i got there. i just know that one thing led into something else and there i was, standing on the edge of it, hoping not to fall in. when i wrote that post last week about suicide i was already struggling and it was just enough to push me head first down into darkness. and no matter how hard i tried, i couldn't find the light to get back out. 

i've seen darkness before but i've never seen it that dark. i've never seen it that lonely. and it scared me.

because i saw a glimpse of what some people never overcome.

i didn't want to go to sleep at night because i was afraid to dream. i didn't want to get up in the morning because i didn't want to face the day. i didn't want to shower because i just didn't care. and to be honest, it required much more energy than i had to do it all anyway.

but i did get up everyday. i did go through the motions. but i wasn't myself. i wasn't even close to being myself.

because it's hard to be yourself when you're lost. it's hard to even remember who you are when you're broken.

but then it happened. God sent someone to remind me. God sent someone to pull me out of the pit. 

someone who had read my post about the suicide contacted me. out of the blue. unexpected.

they told me how that post had saved them. i didn't really understand it at first but then they went on to explain. they had been broken recently too. and torn down. and they had decided to end it all. they had the pills. they were ready to take them. but first, they got on the computer to say goodbye to their friends.

and that's when God pulled them out of their pit. they saw my post. they felt it took courage.

and that courage they said...made them change their mind.

they decided not to commit suicide.

the very pain that i wondered how it could be used for anything...was used to save a life.

and suddenly, in the middle of my darkest day, i saw the sun again.

dear God, i am humbled and amazed that you decided to use this broken girl. i am completely in awe that you took such terrible memories and brought about something good. thank you Lord for finding me, for loving me, for showing me that even on the darkest days, you are still a bright and shining light. and thank you, thank you, thank you Lord,  for saving that person who was ready to end it all. thank you for showing them your love. thank you for reminding them that they have worth, and value, and a wonderful purpose.  i pray Lord that you turn their pain around. i pray that the plans of those who are trying to bring them down are destroyed. i pray that you give them a boldness to show the world how you can take a broken life and use it to bring you glory. i love you Lord. and i thank you for saving my life too. in Jesus' Name i pray.