i'm scared of God

i'm scared of God.

i'm scared of what He needs from me.

i'm scared of what He will ask me to do.

though i talk with a boldness for Christ, it's not a complete boldness.

though i walk with my hand in His, i'm constantly pulling away.

it's embarrassing to admit i'm not completely sold out for Christ.

it's hard to confess i feel safer in the shadows.

but i do.

and it's a constant source of struggle for me.

there's a part of my heart that longs to throw caution to the wind and step out in faith.

real faith.

the faith that has you give it all away.

the faith that has you live the Gospel.

the faith that has you telling God that you will do anything for Him.

the faith that is anything but safe.

but "anything" has too many questions. anything means uncertainties. 

anything is hard.

and i'm not sure i can do the hard He might ask me to do.

because what if He asks me to be Job? what if i have to lose my family, my children, my home? what if He asks me to give up everything i have for Him?

what if He wants me to be Paul? imprisoned and beaten for Him.

or Peter? or John?

would i be able to live a life of enthusiasm if i had to suffer for it? could i be be joyful in the midst of such struggle and pain?

i have faith. even big faith at times.

but i'm not sure i have the faith God needs from me for the big stuff. 

the really big stuff.

because i feel safer in the shadows.

and that's my struggle. the safe shadows or the uncertain light.

the partial faith or the sold out for Christ faith.

the i'll do anything faith or the i'll do anything BUT faith.

but God has been working on me.

and God has been changing my heart.

and God has been asking me to step out.

oh God, give me the faith i need to be who you need me to be.

because i want to be that person...

that i've been too scared to be for you.