i want to live as if Jesus' death means something to me

i want to live my life as if Jesus dying on the Cross means something to me. i don't want it to be obvious only at Church. or only on Easter. or just at Christmas. i want it to be an everyday love affair. i want to wake up thanking Him, go to bed thanking Him, and spend every moment in between trying to bring Him glory.

i want more than a casual relationship, i want Him to be my best friend. i want Him to know my voice. i want to know His. i want to be like David-someone "after God's own heart."

i want to remember His sacrifice. remember His suffering. remember His willingness to take the place for my sins. 

i want to remember how He was betrayed. how He was ridiculed. how He was mocked. and realize that He did it for me, so that i wouldn't have to pay the price. because i could never pay it. He knew that. and He did what He had to do-what only He could do-so that i might have eternal life.

i don't want that realization to get lost on me. i don't want to take it for granted. i don't want to live my life arrogantly and selfishly, as if i can do anything i want and get away with it.

but i often get sidetracked. i often have setbacks. no matter how much i want to be with Him, i find other things that take up my time. other things that become my priority. no matter how much i want to live for Him, i still find other things i want to live for. other things that become my focus.

i am surrounded by temptations. i am surrounded by the desires of this world. so often i take two steps forward and then jump three steps back. my mind wanders. my thoughts drift. my words contradict.

and in my actions i become the betrayer. the one who ridicules. the one who mocks. suddenly it is me who nailed Jesus to the Cross. who couldn't stay awake in the garden. who sells Him so easily for 30 pieces of silver. 

i don't want to get lost. i don't want to take Him for granted. i don't want to be arrogant and selfish. but i do. and i have. and i am.

and yet despite it all...despite myself...the fact remains...Jesus died for me. He took the suffering, He took the abuse, He took the shame...because He loved me. even before this world ever knew me, He knew me.  and He loved me, and  He loves me, with an everlasting love.

i don't want to live my life as if Jesus dying on the Cross means nothing to me. i don't want to live as if i'm not aware of the sacrifice. that i'm not aware of the suffering. i want my actions to live up to my heart. i want to live my life in a way that boldly declares that His death up on that Cross means everything to me.

because it should. and it has. and it does.